STRANGER THAN FICTION
by Kumoko235
Summary: Stranger -OC- becomes stranded in the Land of Ooo after a storm destroys his boat, where he meets strange characters in an attempt to find help.


**A/N: A short story for AT. Rate and comment.**

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><p><strong>STRANGER THAN FICTION<strong>

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><p><strong>Marooned at Teatime<strong>

The storm had destroyed the large boat (or, as some would say, the tiny ship), leaving nothing but wreckage and debris no larger than a 2x4 that floated serenely towards the alien shoreline under now bright and sunny skies. Many would see this nautical disaster as a major setback, but not Stranger. To him, it was another in a long list of hindrances that plagued his nomadic life. Hindrances that, while annoying, were nothing that Stranger could not overcome.

Stranger floated along with what remained of his boat (ship), dragging himself out of the foaming ocean and onto the tannish sand that covered the simple beach. He was relieved to be back on dry land after many days at sea, and looked out over the blue ocean, towards the storm clouds that retreated to the east.

His current adventure would have to wait.

A dense forest stood against the beach like an imposing wall of green and brown, making travel inland difficult, but not for Stranger whose homeland held similar terrain. The forest was eerily quiet, as if the animal inhabitants hid from the stranger's presence as he approached. Pushing through the thick brush with ease, the stranded man took inventory of what little supplies he had left; finding disappointment at what little filled his rucksack, which was practically nothing. As if to cement this fact, his stomach chose then and there to growl from hunger.

"Great," mumbled Stranger to himself.

Stranger was not the greatest survivalist to ever walk the face of the Earth. He knew an apple when he saw one but was not willing to risk his life by partaking of the strange fruit hanging from the canopy high above. He would much rather find a settlement or town first, but instead he found an endless valley of grass that stretched as far as his eye could see.

With little choice, Stranger set out across the never-ending field.

After what felt like hours of walking, and getting nowhere, Stranger was ready to turn back and take his chances with the strange fruit. He took one last glance from the hill he stood upon, but then heard a shrill and distant voice. Excited at the prospect of finding help (and probably food), Stranger searched for the person from his hilltop perspective. He saw nothing from where he stood, but could still hear the distant voice.

Then he felt something against his leg.

Looking down, Stranger saw a sausage clad in medieval-like armor assaulting his leg with a rusted fork that jabbed uselessly against the denim of his pants. Surprise overtook Stranger at first, followed by relief at finding food, and then lastly disgust as his brain remembered that the _food_ he had found was alive and moving.

And more importantly, it was attacking him.

Not hesitating, Stranger drew back his foot and punted the small, hotdog-like creature. It flew through the air with a yell, landing somewhere in the distance where Stranger could not see. More voices filled the air as more of the hotdog-like creatures ran towards him, yelling and jumping for joy.

"Me next!" screamed the creatures, surrounding Stranger with ecstatic intent on being propelled through the air via a no doubt painful kick.

Stranger took a step back, his foot landing atop one sausage that squealed in delight. Losing his balance, Stranger slid and rolled down the hill, coming to a stop at its grassy base in an unglorified heap. Yet another hindrance that mocked Stranger.

A _gasp_ caught his attention, and Stranger looked up from where he lay. A small doghouse stood alone in the never-ending grasslands, surrounded by a small fence that Stranger could easily hop over if he wished. Inside the fence, drinking tea from shiny porcelain cups, was a group of… actually, Stranger wasn't too sure what they were exactly: a mass of greenish slime (Slime Princess); a purple, floating, lumpy thing (LSP); another much larger hotdog that seemed more dog than sausage (Hotdog Princess); a giant, red wildberry (Wildberry Princess); and a purple lady made of lavender flowers (Purple Princess). Each wore a bejeweled tiara, except for the lumpy cloud thing that had a star on its forehead instead.

"Oh my," gasped Hotdog Princess.

"Like, oh my Grob," stuttered LSP. "He has a smokin' hot bod." Stranger, despite himself, shivered at the comment that was directed at him.

The wildberry and flower girl giggled like schoolgirls would. The slime asked for his name. Despite being little more than a ball of goo, she had a hot voice that Stranger found attractive. If only she had been human, or more so than she was now.

"Out of the way ladies, he's mine," stated LSP, pushing her way past the others. Stranger, now on his feet, took an involuntary step back.

"That's not fair," complained the wildberry and flower girl.

"I thought you were dating Brad anyway," mentioned the hot voiced slime.

"Me and Brad lumping broke up weeks ago!" yelled LSP like a disgruntled teenager. "You just want his smokin' hot bod to your lumping self!"

The ensuring argument gave Stranger the chance he needed to slip away unnoticed. He was long gone by the time the tea toting princesses realized that he was nowhere to be seen.

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><p><strong>Thieves and the City<strong>

The never-ending fields of grass actually did have an end, which made sense considering that nothing was truly never-ending. Stranger was once again in the forest, though while the last had been tropical, this one seemed more temperate. Oaks and maples, a fir here and there, dominated the landscape. Lakes and streams and valleys dotted the forest, and to Stranger's delight, this forest had a path (or small road) carved through it. Stranger followed the path, figuring that it must lead to civilization, or, at the very least, to a small settlement or two.

"Stop!"

Stranger did as he was told without question. Before him stood a wrinkled old woman who wore what looked to be a shawl of tree bark. She stood at where the forest ended and a large valley began, her twig-like hand raised in the universal gesture of _stop_.

The gnarled voice of the old woman carried with it a warning. "You are about to enter the City of Thieves, a city where everyone is a thief but not home to every thief, for you see, not every thief lives in the City of Thieves but everyone who does is, in fact, a thief. Continue on this path and you too will become a thief, where you may or may not continue to live in the city at all… as a thief!"

"There's a city this way?" Stranger asked, pointing a finger lazily down the path he followed.

"Yes, but…."

"Then that's where I'm headed." Stranger strode pass the old woman without giving her as much as a second glance.

"Didn't you hear anything I just said?"

Stranger nodded his head once. "City of Thieves. This and that. Blah, blah, blah. Though I don't look it, I can handle myself well enough."

"You will lose yourself to the city!" called out the old woman. "You will become a thief and will never again leave the City of Thieves!"

Stranger ignored her warnings.

The city had been constructed inside the shell of what had once been a gargantuan turtle – though even the word _gargantuan_ seemed like an understatement. The city itself was in chaos. The old woman had been right, left and right people (humanoid or not) stole whatever they could get their hands (claws) on. Stranger's hope of finding someone willing to help him quickly drained from his body, and he was about to leave the city when he noticed a young girl being harassed by a man wearing what might have passed as ninja attire. The ever helpful citizen within Stranger took over, and he began to beat the man without a second thought.

"You okay?" asked Stranger to the small girl, having finished providing a hard case of street justice to the ninja attired man, who now lay dazed and confused (possibly unconscious) at Stranger's feet.

The girl nodded. "Thank you, mister. OH MY GROB! WHAT IS THAT BEHIND YOU?"

Stranger turned to face the new threat. No sooner than his back was turned, he was pushed from behind and down to the filthy city street. His rucksack was slid off of his shoulder by the assailant and was gone within a matter of seconds. Stranger turned to see the young girl – who he had just saved, mind you – running away with the bag, laughing maniacally as she did.

The bag was pretty much empty, though the principle remained that it was his and he wasn't about to become a victim of theft, especially to a little girl. Pushing himself up to his feet, Stranger chased after the girl, pushing aside whoever was unfortunate enough to be in his way, who, more often than not, fell to the ground where they were immediately victimized by another inhabitant of the city.

The chase did not last long. The girl knew the city better than Stranger did, but he held the advantage in terms of speed and determination, and soon the girl made a mistake and found herself trapped in an alleyway. He back to the brick wall that blocked her escape, she faced Stranger, holding the stolen rucksack protectively to her chest.

"This bag is mine now!" said the girl as she pulled a kris dagger from the rags that she wore for clothing.

Stranger cracked his knuckles threateningly and the girl back down ever so slightly. "I don't usually hit kids, but I'm willing to make an exception."

A man snuck into the alleyway behind Stranger, taking hold of the ratty hat that sat atop Stranger's mop of raven coloured hair. Without taking his eyes from the young girl, or even so much as breaking eye contact, Stranger drove the back of his fist right into the face of the would-be thief, knocking him out cold.

The thieving girl was visibly afraid now, the kris dagger shaking in her small hands, but she held her ground. Stranger took a step towards her, and, pointing to the brick wall that stood tall against her back, yelled, "What's that behind you?" Exposing just how gullible she truly was, the girl spun to face the wall. Her back turned, Stranger yanked free his rucksack, sliding it to safety across his shoulder.

"Give it back!" demanded the girl.

Stranger ignored her and she made no attempts to pursue him. Leaving the city, Stranger filled his lungs with fresh air, grateful to be free of the chaotic place and back under the shining sun.

The old woman stood beside the road, near the city. "Are you a thief yet?"

To prove otherwise, Stranger flipped a silver coin he had kept in his pocket, giving it to the old woman in an act of charity. She asked no further questions, and Stranger continued with his quest.

* * *

><p><strong>A Pink Damsel in Distress<strong>

The sun was sinking lower into the sky above, its fading orange light pushing ever closer to the darkness of night that slowly crept in from the eastern horizon like encroaching ivy.

Stranger was sill in the forest, more or less loss (though he would never admit it) and slowly starving. This land he was forced to travel was strange, to say the least. He had saw animals he had never before seen in his homeland, plants that must have surely belonged to the inner machinations of some demented child, and other truly unique sights. One such sight was of a small house lived in by a family of fruit, headed by a pair of large watermelons. Stranger had been close to devouring the fruit family, but somehow it felt wrong, like murdering a family in their sleep, so he left them be.

"HEELLLPPPP!"

The cry for help tore through the still air of the forest. Earlier experience told Stranger to leave it be, to not become involved with affairs such as these, but the much too good side of his inner being thought otherwise. Sighing, Stranger set out to find the source of the scream. What awaited him was another truly unique sight.

Standing in a small clearing was a much too pink young lady wearing a golden tiara, surrounded by seven or so armed penguins. Floating menacingly above the canopy was a bushy bearded, blue skinned man wearing a jeweled crown atop his head. Azure bolts of lightning emanated from his raised hands, traveling several feet before dissipating in a threatening show of force.

"I've got you now, Princess Bubblegum!" claimed the floating blue man. "Nothing will stop us from making oh so _beautiful _memories together as husband and wife."

"As if I'd marry you, Ice King!" yelled back the pink princess. She whimpered as the penguins pressed the tips of their blades closer, jabbing her ever so slightly with the razor sharp points.

The Ice King continued with his rant. "You should be honored that I, the powerful and _handsome_, Ice King chose you out of all the princesses across the land. It wasn't an easy choice, I mean, there's like eight of you guys after all."

"Yo," greeted Stranger as he entered the small clearing, raising a hand lackadaisically. "This creep giving you a problem?"

"What?" sputtered the Ice King. "I am not a creep! You're the creep!" He stuck out his tongue like a small child, a gesture that irritated Stranger to no end.

"Kind sir, will you please aid me?" pleaded the princess, keeping her composure and acting like any good princess should.

"Nothing will get in the way of our love!" roared the Ice King. "My loyal penguin soldiers, kill this interloper!"

The diminutive penguins squawked loudly as they waddled menacingly towards Stranger, bladed weapons raised. A few kicks later and the penguin soldiers (most of them, anyway) were fleeing in a frenzied panic. The princess seemed grateful, the Ice King not so much.

"You may be able to best my penguins, but nothing can beat my magical crown!" The azure lightning increased tenfold and shot down into the clearing, freezing everything it touched in solid chunks of ice.

Stranger avoided the attack like a gazelle leaping over an obstacle, mostly due in part to the Ice King's horrible aim. "That crown of yours is magic?" he questioned, not fully believing what the floating man said. But, then again, the Ice King _was_ floating fifteen feet in the air.

"Of course it's magic," snipped the Ice King.

"That's why you have all your powers?"

The Ice King was irritated now. "As I said before, yes. My freezing lightning bolts, my ability to fly, even my _animal magnetism_ that all the princesses find irresistible." Princess Bubblegum disagreed with this statement. "All my powers come from this crown sitting atop my noggin. Right here. On my head."

Stranger, on a whim, reached into his worn jacket, taking hold of the weapon he kept for emergencies such as this (though floating, magical men were a rare occurrence). The weathered steel of the handgun glistened in the fading afternoon light, shining brightly in the eyes of all who beheld it. A single shot and the Ice King's magical crown went flying freely from the impotent king's head.

"Curse you!" yelled the Ice King as he fell to the earth, landing somewhere in the forest with a crashing _thud_.

Stranger held the weapon barrel up, close enough to his head to smell the spent gunpowder. "I don't think he'll be bothering you anytime soon. Are you... okay?"

The princess was practically drooling at the sight of the weapon, her pink fingers wriggling frantically as if they wished to caress the cool steel of the handgun. Stranger moved the gun and the princess's eyes followed like a puppy.

"Old world technology...," she said longingly. "Where... where did you... find this?" Her hands were on the gun now, pulling it close to her cherry blossom face so that she could better examine every detail and mechanism.

"I... uh... found it under a rock," answered Stranger, pulling the gun away from the obsessive princess. An early morning search for worms (for fishing) had instead turned up the battered handgun. A strange story that was, surprisingly, true. The how and why still eluded Stranger to this day.

The princess composed herself, wiping some spittle from her mouth as she cleared her throat. She then introduced herself. "I am Princess Bubblegum, ruler of the Candy Kingdom. Who might you be, stranger?"

"Uh... Stranger." The princess seemed highly pleased with herself that she had unwittingly guest his name correctly. Stranger asked a question of his own next. "Who was that ice guy?"

"That oxy-MORON is the Ice King." Princess Bubblegum sighed. "He's always causing trouble in the Land of Ooo."

Stranger interrupted the princess. "Excuse me, but where did you say we were?"

"The Land of Ooo. Everyone knows that."

Stranger shook his head. "My boat capsized and I washed up here."

"You mean, you're from across the ocean?"

Stranger nodded.

Bubblegum's face lit up with delight. "Even more exciting! Come." She grabbed Stranger by the hand and led (dragged) him away from the clearing.

"Where are we going?" Stranger questioned.

Bubblegum answered with a smile. "Why, to the Candy Kingdom of course."

Stranger offered no resistance as he was pulled away by the excited princess. He didn't mind. Her pink skin was soft in his hand and he faintly smelled the scent of bubblegum, no doubt the shampoo or conditioner that the princess used.

The smell made his stomach growl.

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><p><strong>The Kingdom of Candy<strong>

The sky was dark once the duo reached the kingdom. A central castle stood tall, surrounded by a small city of sorts. True to its name, the Candy Kingdom appeared to be made entirely of confectionary. Even the trees and surrounding mountains seemed to be made of sugary sweets.

The hungry stomach that belonged to Stranger growled disapprovingly. The kingdom of sweets was appealing, but Stranger knew he'd be more than sick if he gave in to his hunger. _Sugar induced coma_ came to mind.

"I have so much to document," explained Bubblegum, mostly to herself, as they headed down the main street and towards the imposing castle of candy. Stranger was too distracted by his own hunger and the tempting candy-coated buildings to pay much attention to the physically excited princess.

"Are we there yet? I'm hungry," interrupted Stranger before the princess could launch into another of her rants about prewar technology and the existence of people outside of Ooo.

"We have food and sweets at the castle," answered the princess before returning to her one-sided discussion. "I always theorized that others survived outside of Ooo, but the possibility of crossing the vast ocean always seemed like such a daunting task. You must tell me how you accomplished such a feat."

Stranger sighed. He knew her type, someone who would literally talk him into the ground (an exaggeration, but not by much). He knew someone like her back at home, a fanatic of the antique and a motormouth to boot. Stranger had partly begun his adventure in an attempt to flee his talkative friend, yet here he was, stranded in a stranger land with another of the world's chatterboxes.

His stomach growled. His rations had been lost after the shipwreck. He had had nothing to eat all day and was ready to keel over from hunger, and quite possibly wither away on the sugary streets (another exaggeration that held some truth).

Then Stranger saw something so glorious, so enticing, that he was momentarily struck dumb by its very sight: a cupcake larger than he himself, sitting beside the road as if it was an offering from the gods above. Real food would have been preferred, but everyone loved cupcakes.

Stranger watched the princess continue onward without him, fully engrossed by what she had to say on the matters of technology and science. She never noticed the absence of her new companion.

She wouldn't mind if he helped himself to the cupcake. He had, after all, saved her life.

He reached out and took a handful of delicious cupcake and was raising the sweet glob of dessert to his mouth when the screaming began. To his horror, the cupcake was alive and screaming bloody murder, waving arms that Stranger had failed to see frantically in the air. Stranger, in a futile attempt, tried to force the stolen bit of cupcake back into the hole he had created.

"What the cabbage!" yelled Princess Bubblegum, anger turning her already pink face a deeper shade of scarlet.

Stranger held up his hands in feigned innocence. "I swear I didn't know he was alive! I mean, quite honestly, he's a bloody cupcake!"

"This is the _Candy Kingdom_," retorted Bubblegum. "What did you expect?"

"I didn't know it included the people! And besides, you look pretty normal yourself," defended Stranger.

"Because I'm a human-bubblegum hybrid."

"... A what now?"

"I finally found you and your smokin' hot bod!" called out an all too familiar voice. LSP, the lumpy cloud thing from the tea party in the never-ending fields of grass, had found Stranger, and Stranger, who did not want to be found, at least be the strange being, did his best to hide behind the pink princess.

"Get your hands off my man!" barked LSP at Bubblegum.

"My hands are not on his, LSP," replied Bubblegum, her hands on her hips and annoyance tainting her voice. "And besides, I have more important things to do than..."

Ice cream cone knights, drawn by the cupcake's continued manic screaming, rounded the corner not too far ahead. Each carried a candy cane lance that was sharpened at one end and impaled through a sugarcoated gumdrop. "What's going on here?" asked one. "He's attacking the princess!" accused another. "Get him!"

Stranger tried to explain himself, but the sugary knights were fully intent on protecting their princess. Seeing no other option, other than candy cane impalement, Stranger spun on the heels of his feet and ran.

"Come back my hot bodied dream man!" lamented LSP in anguish.

The pursuing knights had already alerted the rest of the kingdom. More and more Candy People joined in on the chase, forming an angry mob that threatened to engulf Stranger at any moment. Angry cookies and lollipops blocked the route ahead, forcing Stranger to improvise his escape. Using a nearby food cart, he was able to reach a low roof and circumvent the mob of angry citizens. A pursuing knight attempted the same maneuver, but instead crashed through the cart, sending sugary foods flying in every direction. The others followed Stranger from the city streets.

Leaping from rooftop to rooftop, Stranger was able to break free of his pursuers and returned to street level. The gates to the kingdom lay open ahead, his freedom blocked only by a lemon-headed being.

The lemon-headed man stared out into the kingdom, a look of disdain clouding his dark eyes. "Disorder in the kingdom? This is UNACCEPT..."

Stranger drove his elbow into the lemon-headed man with enough for to crack bone, sending the strange being sprawling to the candied ground, reeling in agony. Past his last hindrance (of sorts), Stranger made his way out of the kingdom and into the surrounding cotton candy forest.

The candy gates closed behind him, but Stranger was already long gone.

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><p><strong>Sexy Vampire Lady<strong>

Stranger was, once again, traveling through the never-ending fields of grass. The sky was still dark above, barely illuminated by the faint light of the waning moon. Stranger was glad to be away from the forest – it was far worst at night. Stranger wasn't afraid (another fact he would seldom admit), but he liked being able to see exactly where it was that he was going, something the leafy canopy of the forest would not allow.

Stranger was about to call it quits for the night, to make camp and resume his journey at first light, but something in the distance caught his eye: a lone willow tree in the vast and empty grasslands. His curiosity peaked, Stranger decided to travel just a tad further. To his surprise, he discovered that the lone tree was actually a dwelling of sorts: a fort constructed within the tree's woody bark.

No one appeared to be home.

Stranger was hungry (and a bed would be nice as well) so he decided to break in, a feat that was overly simple since the door was unlocked. Stranger normally didn't resort to breaking and entering, but these were unusual circumstances.

Greeting Stranger were piles upon piles of treasure. Gold and other high valued collectibles littered the first room, most tossed in a crude heap. The living room was a bit more organized, occupying the tree's spacious center. Located off this main room was the true prize of Stranger's quest: the kitchen. Stranger made a beeline for the refrigerator, but he was severely disappointed at what little filled the appliance, though enough did exist to create a simple sandwich.

The lights blacked out before Stranger could take the first bite of his modest meal, followed by a _tick_, _tick_, _tick_ on the kitchen window. Glowing red eyes stared into the kitchen from the window. Stared at Stranger.

The weathered handgun seemed to materialize in Stranger's hand (he moved fast when scared) and filled the room with an explosive report that was deafening in the confined space. The window exploded into millions of minute shards as the glass pane blew out from the 9mm round.

The red eyes were gone.

Stranger kicked the refrigerator close and rushed into the living room, gun in one hand and sandwich in the other. A draft found entrance into the room from an open window, and the feeling of being watched filled Stranger with dread.

"What the heck, Finn?" came a voice that sounded both calm and irked.

A young woman, with skin as grey as death, floated down from the rafters above, her luscious midnight black hair swaying in the gentle breeze that filled the room from the open window. She wore a simple black and white, formfitting shirt and slightly shredded jeans complimented with a pair of dark leather boots. Confusion washed over her face as she stared down at Stranger.

"Wait, you're not Finn?" pointed out the floating woman. She held a finger to her mouth, as if she was thinking of a possible explanation for the hungry intruder.

Stranger remained still, unsure of what to do or say next. At one extreme she defied the laws of gravity. On the other she was pretty good looking (some might say hot). Should Stranger flee or ask her out for dinner?

The woman floated down so that she was no more than a few feet from where he stood, though she still levitated a good six feet above the ground. She asked, "What's your name, stranger?"

"Stranger," answered Stranger.

The grey woman laughed, a pleasant sound to Stranger's ears, as she floated around him like a leaf caught in the wind. "Of course you're a stranger. You're not Finn. You're not Jake. You're not me." She suddenly drew close to Stranger, her breath hot in his face, and edge in her voice. "So who are you exactly?"

Pointed fangs sharpened her wry smile, like daggers of ivory in her mouth. Two holes stood out against the pale skin of her neck. Bite marks received from canines similar to her own.

Stranger felt himself shiver. Something was not right about this woman. It was almost as if she were a creature of the night, like the stories his mother had told him so long ago. But monsters did not exist: only the mutations of a nuclear wasteland. Swallowing hard, Stranger spoke again. "My name is Stranger."

The grey woman laughed again, floating upwards a good distance. "Stranger? That's a funny name."

The fright Stranger held for the woman vanished, replaced instead with annoyance. He hated when others mocked him because of his name. He had had no choice in the matter. "Then what should I call you then, of floating lady of grey?"

A look of narcissistic arrogance and pride crossed the woman's face as she formally introduced herself in a booming voice that could not hide her playful intonation. "I am Marceline the Vampire Queen! Fear my vampiric might."

"Vampire?" scoffed Stranger. He was not one to believe in the supernatural, though what he had saw in the last 24 hours should have been enough to affect his judgment.

"Don't believe me, eh?" said Marceline with a sly grin. "I guess a demonstration is in order then."

Dread filled Stranger as the words left the vampire's mouth.

A snakelike _hiss_ escaped from Marceline's lips as she swooped down into the living room like an attacking raptor, her eyes returning to the off-putting shade if scarlet, a shade of red not too distant from that of blood. Stranger, caught off guard by the sudden attack, threw his precious sandwich in attempt to slow her descent. She caught the sandwich in her mouth and circled around, gnawing on the bread and meat.

"Yuck! Salami." Marceline tossed the sandwich aside.

Stranger needed to escape. No time for the door, he was making his own exit. Running with the vampire hot on his tail he dove through the open window and into the cool night air. He was higher up than he realized, and braced himself for the impact of the ground. An impact that never came.

Instead, he was floating upwards into the starry sky.

"Believe me now?" asked Marceline with a deviant smile. She held Stranger upside down by his ankle, as easy as if he was made of helium, floating higher into the sky by the second.

Stranger raised his handgun and fired. The shot missed, but the shock of the loud report was enough to force the vampire to loosen her grip. Once again in free-fall, Stranger fell several feet before Marceline grabbed him by the arm, knocking the handgun from his grasp and allowing it to continue the journey down alone.

"That was mean," stated Marceline, sounding genuinely hurt. She dangled him around like a toy before bringing him to eye level. "Didn't your parents teach you not to play with guns?" She thought for a moment. "Maybe I should bite you, then we can float around for a thousand years or so."

Stranger had never believed in vampires, but this woman had shown him the error of his ways. He needed a way to escape, to flee from the powerful Vampire Queen. Only one thought came to his mind, and he acted upon it.

Stranger brought his lips to hers in a deep kiss that left the vampire speechless. The plan worked, for many reasons. Not only did the dumbfounded vampire release Stranger, he had been able to steal a kiss from someone he found attractive (hot), vampire or not.

Grounded, Stranger found his gun and made his escape. Marceline the Vampire Queen remained where she was, her mind clouded with a parade of emotions, not too sure what had just transpired.

* * *

><p><strong>The Doctor and the Dynamic Duo<strong>

Stranger was back in the forest, though the foliage here was thinner than before. Dawn was just over the horizon, dyeing the sky a magnificent shade pink similar to the intellectual Princess Bubblegum.

The path was wide and well-traveled, giving Stranger hope of finding a settlement willing to aid him. He was hungry, tired, and burnt out with dealing with the oddities of the Land of Ooo. He wished to return to the sea and to continue on with his original adventure. Places to be and people to see.

"Excuse me?"

Stranger had been lost in his own thoughts. He had not seen the bespectacled woman standing beside the road. She wore a white lab coat (an odd choice in the forest) over an orange dress-length turtleneck sweater with a pendant wrapped around her head. Her brown hair was put up in pigtails and her skin was an off shade of green, though she seemed pretty normal to Stranger.

"Can you help me?" asked the woman.

"Depends," answered Stranger, wanting to avoid the trouble that came with helping others.

The woman explained her plight. "I was traveling with some others and had to use the little doctor's room, only to come and find out that those dunderheads had left me behind. It's dangerous to travel this forest alone. Could you please escort me?"

"I just have to walk with you?" The woman nodded. "Fine. Whatever."

"Thank you. I'm Doctor Princess by the way."

She held out her hand, which Stranger shook. "Stranger."

"Nice to meet you Stranger." The two began walking and the doctor attempted to strike a conversation. Stranger didn't mind. It felt nice to speak to someone normal after all he had experienced. "So, why are you traveling this forest alone?"

"I'm looking for someone to repair my boat. It was destroyed by a storm yesterday and I washed up here. As soon as I'm able to I'm getting as far as I bloody can from here."

"You're not from Ooo?" asked the doctor. Stranger nodded his head. "Interesting. I've never met someone from across the ocean before. I bet it wasn't an easy crossing."

"You seem a lot less analytical that the other princess I met."

"Bubblegum?" Stranger nodded again. "She can get like that sometimes. It's best to just ignore her when she does. And I'm not a..."

The brush beside the road rustled. Several gangly goblins jumped out onto the road, swinging crude bone clubs and stone axes in a display of force. Stranger stepped between them and the doctor, reaching into his coat for his handgun. It wasn't necessary. The goblins sensed an even greater threat and scattered into the forest.

"This can't be good," muttered Stranger.

Frenzied laughter ripped through the forest as the Ice King flew by overhead, circling like a monstrous, blue vulture. "I've finally found you my dear princess," he said to the doctor. "Now I can... what the? What are you doing here?"

"Not you again," sighed Stranger.

"I've take it you've met before," queried Doctor Princess. Stranger nodded for a third time.

"You won't stop me this time, strange!" threatened the Ice King, malicious azure electricity flying forth from his fingertips. He lowered his arms and let loose a stream of subzero lightning.

"I found you again my hot bodied prince!" yelled LSP as she broke free of the forest, directly in the path of the Ice King's azure lightning. She was frozen instantly in a transparent block of ice and fell to the ground, an icy stare on her face.

"Thank you," said Stranger.

"No problem," replied Ice King. "Now die!"

More frantic yelling distracted the Ice King. A kid wearing a bear hat and a yellow dog flew feet first into the Ice King. The king fell, landing beside the frozen block of ice that was LSP.

"Curse you, Finn and Jake! I'll..." Ice King never finished his threat. The dog, Jake, stretched and grew to the size of an elephant, taking hold of the Ice King and lobbing him like a baseball. He disappeared into the morning sky with a twinkle of light to mark his exit.

"Thanks for that," began Stranger, relaxing his grip on his handgun.

"We finally found you mysterious stranger!" yelled Finn the boy, raising a chipped blade of a sword. He charged Stranger with a battle cry, swinging the blade downwards in a powerful arch. Stranger held up his handgun and used its metal surface to deflect the attack, forcing Finn back with a glancing kick. Finn prepared to charge again but was held back by the yellow furred dog.

"Whoa, man. Relax. He was fighting the Ice King. Doesn't that, like, make him a good guy?" spoke the dog.

"Or he's a supervillian!" acclaimed Finn.

Jake facepalmed himself. "Dude, we've been through this before."

Finn continued. "Then why did he stomp the hotdog knights, attack the Candy Kingdom, break into our tree fort, and assault Marceline? He's a bad guy. I can smell it."

"Or, and hear me out on this one, it was all a big misunderstanding."

"The stretchy dog is right," agreed Stranger.

"I know I'm right," commented Jake, stretching a closed fist to Stranger, who felt obliged to follow through with the fist bump.

"But he kidnapped a princess!" stated Finn, pointing to the doctor with a finger. He charged again, and again was deflected by Stranger, who restrained from simply shooting the manic thirteen year old. It wouldn't be a fatal shot, maybe just a knee or two. Enough to calm the kid down.

"I didn't kidnap her," defended Stranger as Finn raised his blade again.

"And I'm not a princess," added the doctor. "Princess is just my surname."

Jake placed a hand on Finn's shoulder, lowering the raised sword. "Dude, just hear them out."

Stranger explained himself to the armed kid and magical dog, going into great detail at what trials he had faced ever since coming to the Land of Ooo. To his relief, the boy and dog duo believed his every word, and even agreed to help him.

He wouldn't have to shoot them after all.

* * *

><p><strong>So Long Ooo<strong>

Only a few days had passed since meeting Finn and Jake, and already Stranger was back out to sea. Having convinced the _heroes_ of Ooo had been a great help to his quest. The inhabitant of this strange land gladly offered Stranger help at the behest of the young boy. Stranger had been fed, housed, and given a newly constructed boat. Now the Land of Ooo was slowly growing smaller as the boat sailed farther into the blue sea.

A small party stood ashore, waving Stranger off: Finn and Jake, who had enjoyed Stranger's tales of a faraway land; Princess Bubblegum, who, after explaining the misunderstanding to her people, had finally been able to study and document every scrap of prewar technology Stranger carried (much to her delight); the doctor was there as well, and even the cupcake that Stranger had nearly consumed. The Lumpy Space Princess, recently thawed from her icy prison, cried out for her hot bodied prince to return, and several others from this land stood there as well, waving a farewell to the visiting stranger.

Stranger was relieved that everything had turned out all right in the end, and that he could once again return to his own adventure far out at sea and in different lands. People were waiting for his return, and he doubted that they would believe his tales of a strange land lost out in the vast ocean.

The Land of Ooo was a strange place filled with even stranger people. Strange enough that even the stranger, who had seen many a strange sight, found it difficult to digest completely. Stranger never looked back, and he vowed never to return. He had had his fill of the strange and the unexplainable.

In the distant horizon, a storm was brewing.


End file.
